Steven Birenbaum

Age 28

When I had enough of being beaten up on the high school football team, it was Steve who encouraged me to walk out.

Steve was a natural, but he walked too, away from the aggressively violent farce and cool-kid machismo our coaches were selling. At that time, I needed to be empowered to give up football and Steve had my back. It was during college though, at home on holiday breaks with Steve playing guitar on the porch, that we became lifelong friends.

Talking with him at age 36, nine years into this project, we looked at an old photo of his father. Now a father of two young kids himself, for Steve the photo churned up “thoughts about the cycle of life and fatherhood and family, how parents have to make sacrifices to be parents and have kids and raise a family.” Steve reflected,

“[I have] esteem for him … feelings of gratefulness towards him and the sacrifices that he made.”

Age 29

Fatherhood has been heavy on his mind since having his first child at 30. His emotional life has changed and deepened through the past decade. Age 28 and 36 he described as “completely different.”

“When I look back … I was a child then [at 28]. I had so much freedom. I had so much independence. I had so much free time. Yeah, I had so much energy. Comparing the two, [I felt] less responsibility back then, less knowledge, less wisdom.”

Age 30

Steve continued,

“When my kids were one and three, I can be honest and say I was struggling. And when they were two and four, I was also struggling, but as time’s gone by, now, they're four and six, I feel like I have a better grasp on what I'm doing, what I should be doing … in terms of being a father. … Theoretically, things should be easier … that’s the common wisdom. So is that true? I don't know. I guess, it's an adjustment period. You're just always trying to find your groove and figure out what works. And it's always evolving and changing.”

Marriage has tested Steve’s philosophies, behaviors, and assumptions, as it does for most married people. Losing his mother has tested him as well. He does his best by focusing on love and his unfaltering commitment to his children,

“[I’ve been] learning a lot about myself and about my family.” As he learns, he notes, “I feel like a better person, more advanced, more developed, a more nuanced person with a deeper understanding of myself and my place in the world.” He, his wife, and kids have sought new creative outlets as well. “We got a community garden plot,” he brightly reported.

Age 31

Age 32

Contemplating his mother’s death, Steve said,

“[It’s] easy to get in the funk, easy to be down about stuff.” The path out of that, for him and several others in the project who have faced parents dying, is “feeling grateful” and understanding “how important [gratitude] is for my mental health.” He said of his Mom, “She would want me to be living as fully as I can. … That’s a process. … It takes time. So that's ongoing. It’s not completely resolved in a sense.”

Steve’s hands-on work in environmental engineering has been a consistent source of stability and joy for him throughout the past decade.

“My work life is not too stressful,” he said, “so that's what I kind of lean on in times of trouble in my family life. When it's too stressful or when something dramatic is happening in my family life, I can always go to work and chill out.”

Age 33

Age 34

Work fulfills him. “I’m there protecting the environment, helping the environment stay as clean as possible. Also, there's a physical aspect of it … it’s physical work. So those are the two things that I enjoy.”

Steve's commitment to his body and physical strength aligns with his thoughts on aging.

“I came across something … about how science does not have a good understanding of the process of aging. So that's been on my mind a little bit. Aging is a mystery, because … we have these bodies, and our bodies work really well. And over time, they start to break down. You never know what's gonna happen. … I try to make the most of every day. I try to do things that enhance my strength, build my strength, so I'm a stronger person as time goes by. … [I’m] trying to not take anything for granted.”

Age 35

Age 36

Age 37

Regarding this project—the work and art of a lifelong friend (me) who was the co-best man at his wedding—Steve emphasized what it does for our friendship.

Age 38

“It gives us an outlet and an avenue to explore our friendship, and it gives us a reason to get together and talk and hang out. So that's cool. I like that. … The other thing is … somewhere there is this document over the last eight years or whatever, [where] each year you can see me grow, and you can look back, and who knows, if this lasts until I'm an old man, 60, 70, 80 years old, that'd be really cool … to be able to look back at the breadth of my life. … [You’re] creating this document, and you can chart the progression over time.”

Age 39