Shay Astar
Age 28
A luminous force of nature.
A one woman show whose outward radiance and inward gaze inform the art that is her “guiding principle of life.” That’s how Shay feels in a room. It isn’t loud, but her expressive presence fills a space with warmth and power, calm and wonder. She has known the darkness of love broken by betrayal and the effervescence of healing love that comes when a companion lifts and gives. Shay is a musician, filmmaker, performer, partner, daughter, mother, woman—and incalculably more.
Age 29
As time passes, she explains, “I don't really think about my former self or my future self as being a [separate] thing. There's a through line of who I really am, that I can kind of touch back on from the very beginning. There's a self that I recognize, a quietness that I recognize, which isn’t about throwing cool parties.”
Age 30
“It’s gotten simpler, what’s important. … It matters how I treat every single person … No one's day was ever hurt by hearing how nice they look, you know? No one's mad that you bought them a cup of coffee.”
Age 31
That’s helped in leading creative people on demanding projects. Shay has learned to “just respect them and give them some affection.” She adds, “I am trying to give that to everybody I encounter because, God, people just bloom.”
Age 32
Photographing Shay through a decade where she’s produced big work and created new life reveals the intricacies of balance that characterize the lives of most of those in this series. “Just knowing all of the things that I want to achieve, and how long those things really take to achieve [makes you realize] ‘I don't have time to fuck around.’” Then, with a smile and the native wisdom that is so much a part of her, she shared a story about the Dalai Lama.
“When asked what do you do when you have too much to do, he had to have the question retranslated over and over and over again because [his response was] ‘what are you talking about?’ ‘You can only do one thing at a time.’”
Age 33
Age 34
Age 35
Shay reflected on her own shifts in doing, making, and being present with raw honesty. “I've never questioned whether I'm doing the right work. Have I questioned whether I can sustain it, whether I can make it work financially? Yes. But in terms of what I really want from my life, I don't have a question. … Having my entire life revolve around my work, and my entire sense of self revolve around my work and be inextricable from my work, does mean that this last season has been a challenge in feeling like a whole human being. Who am I without my work? What am I without my work? [In pregnancy], my body has taken over control. And the small beast inside is running the show, for sure. It's actually been a huge, huge struggle, because my work is my life. … My whole sense of self-worth is tied into work. … So having to slow down has been a major crisis for me. I'm just trying to listen to my body and rest when I need to rest.”
Age 36
When her son was born, she mused,
“Some bills came due for sure … some of the things that I've been putting off. … I've always been really, really good at doing psychological work on myself. But there was some deeper—I hate using this term because of the way that it gets used—spiritual work. … Being so exhausted kind of forced the issue that I needed to find a center and get calm and slow to be able to function from a real place. … You start going so fast sometimes, you lose track of yourself in it.”
Age 37
Shay delved further into new motherhood. “Being with an infant—they’re going at their own speed. I had to lock in with him to make it pleasurable instead of insane. I'm trying to do this thing, but he's doing this [other] thing. You don't want to be at odds. So I had to really slow down. And when you really slow down, you start asking yourself questions like, who am I? … In the early days of having my son … everything [was] different, hormonally, physically, psychologically, everything is different. And I didn't really know how to deal with that. … Like I am someone who is fashionable … ‘no bitch, not right now you're not.’ So I dealt with it by slowing way down and [that] brought up a lot of stuff. Or rather [it] got rid of a lot of stuff. Ideas about who I thought I was, [about being] attached to things, physical things and outside things and social things. …”
“… Letting go of that was very, very freeing. It leaves so much space. … I want to be my best self for my kid just like everybody does.”
There’s a lush, well known trail in Los Angeles—Ferndell. Shay brings her son everyday. One reason is to breathe in abundant “oxygen.” She elaborates, “I just want him to be in nature as much as possible. And I want me to be in nature as much as possible. It feels good to be surrounded by animals and life and trees. … And I meet people here every single day, every single day, some wonderful interaction happens. … the baby is so open and looks at everyone and talks to everyone … it’s amazing to watch how people respond to a baby. Imagine if we all responded like that to each other still … [to] every person who walked by, you [said] ‘hello, hello you, look at you.’”
Age 38
Age 39
Contemplating the difference between 28 v 38 years old, Shay explained that the false dichotomies we sometimes craft inside ourselves dissipated for her.
“I'm so much more myself now than I was at 28. I feel the same in one sense, totally the same … I can identify and relate to that person. On the other hand, I hadn't accepted a mountainous aspect of myself yet. I was going through that process at that age of [thinking] ‘who am I really?’ I was still struggling with ‘am I the greatest person that ever lived or a piece of shit?’ I finally got to a point where I [decided it’s] neither. I'm ok, just like most people. And it's a lot easier. There's a lot less insane intensity of those huge highs and lows, ‘I’m on top of the world, I'm at the bottom.’ ‘I'm the greatest, I'm the worst.’ There's an evening out. That is a relief. And I get that the evening out can feel boring to people. …”
